Alice

I sat on Sunday evening, alone with the woman who made me who I am today and watched her pass. It was peaceful, the sun was setting and the sky looked so pretty. In her final moment, it was just the two of us, as if she had some sort of plan. She had waited all day, waiting for her children and her family to leave before performing one last magic trick. It is impossible to me to comprehend that a woman so amazing and strong and kind could just leave. It’s a selfish thought to have but I wanted her to stay. She had the right words, the best stories and the sharpest tongue. Any room she was in became her room. You hung on to every word she said, knowing she could either give you the best advice or deliver a brutal putdown. Always ready with a tray of Sandwiches with the breaded ham and an unholy amount of chicken dippers, she was always prepared. She was such an active woman, even well into her 80’s never stopping, getting on the bus first thing in the morning to travel into the city center for Bananas. I am clueless to why, but she always had to get these specific Bananas from a lovely man in the city center, an hour bus ride away from her house. She made this trip during the pandemic too, much to the dissatisfaction of family and the police alike. She had this marvelous way of making you feel seen and understood, if you needed her, you felt as if you were the only person in the world as she helped you through. She practically raised me, helping my mum for years after my dad walked out. She never faulted her children, even when she was calling them out. There was always an understanding that she loved them, even if she rarely said it. I am sitting writing this listening to Nat King Cole, one of her favorites. She had a thing for him, much like most men she came across, always ready to flirt with bus men 40 years younger than her. I think that was my favorite thing about her, pure unrelenting optimism. Never giving up or caring, just marching forward self-assured that everything would be okay. As I sit and write this, I wish I could have that power, but I don’t. All I have is a hole in my heart I am never going to be able to fill. All your kindness cut the rot from me, the bitter hatred I had, you made it better. You made me feel as if I belonged, as if I mattered, even when I was close to the edge. Your guiding hand and wit kept me on the ground, and I am never going to be able to forget you. It was an honor to have known you and I am glad you weren’t alone in the end; I am glad we were together; I know you feared the dark, so I kept the light on. You don’t have to be scared anymore. I will carry our burden, I will keep the magic alive, you can rest now, Alice. You can rest.